Opening Up Again

It is no secret or surprise that this summer has really taken a lot out of Jon and I for a lot of different reasons. Camp work first of all is hard, and very tiring! But with everything else going on around us, it just feels as though we are run down, beaten, and don't have much to give. I know its a bit silly, but the song that I feel I can relate to lately is "The Climb" by miley cyrus. Usually this kind of music is not what I like to listen to (pop music drives me up the wall!!), but I can see where she is coming from when she sings the following lyrics:

I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying "you'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction

My faith is shaken

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high...

...The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down, but no I'm not breaking

I feel as though I have so many things inside of me that I want to achieve and do, but I just cant seem to find my foothold. That voice inside really get loud and powerful sometimes, and I hate that - I want to believe in myself, not hold myself back!! And being at camp, looking into the future, I just wonder where my future is going to lead? Am I really cut out for a lifetime of full-time camp work? That seems to far removed from what my heart wants sometimes! But I know that I am doing good work (most days!!) and that I have to keep moving, because there are people who are counting on that. This summer has not been an easy one, and I definately think that I have learned a lesson or two in humility, as well as what it means to know yourself, when everyone else is trying to define you, but I am not breaking. The voice in my head sometimes tells me that my decision to step back in the fall and only be a part-time intern means that I can't handle it, and that I am not strong enough. But I know deep down that I am not broken, and that I am not beaten. I just need to re-focus and find what I love again. Anyways, last week some frusterating things happened, and I found myself sitting on the steps outside of the chapel while everyone else was inside, thinking about all these things. Then the band started to play the song "Cry in my Heart" by Starfield - here are the lyrics that stood out in this song to me:

There's a cry in my heart for Your glory to fall

For your presence to fill up my senses

There's a yearning again, a thirst for discipline, a hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take my beyond? Could You carry me through?

If I open my heart, could I go there with You?

For I've been here before, but I know there's still more

The Lord knows that there is a cry in my heart for something deeper, something more. He knows that I am missing Caronport, and the sense of community, and spiritual support that I had there. But He also what's best, and He has called me here, to camp, so that I can serve Him. I may feel so uneasy about the future, and just unsure of how well of a job I can do, but I don't have to do it alone. God loves Camp Imadene, and He will take care of it, and us the workers here. This song was a reminder to me that I am loved, and that He is willing to carry me, and that I don't need to be so strong all the time. A friend asked me the other day if I think my "fun" is slowly slipping out of me - I was shocked by the question, but answered that Ya I guess so. But in hind sight, I don't think my fun has left - I just think that I have curled into a ball of self protection, and have forgotten how to let anyone in - including the Lord. So this song is my reminder to open up, let Him in, and let Him work in me, because I am the best version of myself when He is in control. I am so thankful that we have a God that we can trust, and who loves us enough to take care of us!! I am also grateful that He gave me this reminder, and re-opened my eyes to the good work He is doing in, through, and around me!!